Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
You Might Also Like
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which