Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
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At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.