It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
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caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
ACED my prostate exam!
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.