My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
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[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
reviewed some movies recently
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.