[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
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One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
Danger is very dangerous
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
idk what this dog had been going through but same
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”