It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
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Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
This could be us but you eatin’
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
That’s incredible! 👌
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next