how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
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Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.