Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
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“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold