taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
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*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
socratic questions
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
First grade soccer is actually so exciting, like one player just grabbed a couple of sticks and started rubbing them together at midfield to try and start a fire
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
mmm onion ringos
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever