2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
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Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.