Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
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[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
What even happened today?
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.