Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
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The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
That earthquake could have been an email.
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks