Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
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I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?