uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
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Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh