[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
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[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
dam girl
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
Well, that didn’t work.
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
Breaking news:
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.