2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
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i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
bury ourselves
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.