My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
You Might Also Like
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
We avoided this particular disaster
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.