My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
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The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus