Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
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There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.