MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
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My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes