If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
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Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.