If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
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Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
Who chose this font
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
Always…