There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
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I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry