I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
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Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
*ernest hemingway voice*
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities