IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
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Monday?
No. Next question.
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke