I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
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doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
crying
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
thanksgiving in nutshell
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.