Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
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2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
I’m calling the cops.
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
[eats all your cotton candy]
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.