me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
You Might Also Like
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
Growing up was a huge mistake
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.