I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
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I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
Self-cleaning conscience
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?