If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
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WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
School be like
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
I saw this ending much differently.