Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
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Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.