If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
You Might Also Like
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.