I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
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Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away