Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
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Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
kevin is now a local weatherman
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
Breaking news:
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock