Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
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A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
Mornin
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
I’d hang this in my house.
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.