I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
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My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
new shirt idea
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!