I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
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wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.