I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
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Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.