Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
You Might Also Like
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
…żyje?
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy