[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
You Might Also Like
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*