I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
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I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.