me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
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Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised