*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
You Might Also Like
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
Not today
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..