Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
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making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
when someone rings the doorbell
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
Education is vital
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.