A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
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The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
A fake ID that makes you younger
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
mood
relationship goals