“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
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If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
taking June’s advice to heart
LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit