My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
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I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
I’m crying im so happy for them
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
“what’s it like having a sister?”