The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
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You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”
I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.