[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
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[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
I have never related to a cat more
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.