My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
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Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310